Sunday, May 2, 2010

You Can't Handle the Truth!

I listen to random audiobooks in my car all the time now.  If its cheap and looks intriguing, I'll get it and give it a whirl. This is how I started listening to a book by Geneen Roth.  She's a spunky, warm speaker/writer who works with food issues and people's relationship with food.  I wasn't sure what to expect from the book I grabbed, but it was $4 used so I popped it in.  And I'm so happy I did!

So you know those moments when you hear something and suddenly it's like the clouds part and some aspect of your life just makes sense?  She was talking about telling the truth, and how so many of us don't do that.  We are too embarrassed or worried what others think to really be honest and let people know what's going on with us.  Even just being honest about little things and saying "I don't want to talk about that" if people ask you personal questions, or "I don't like that" when someone else is expressing how much they DO love it.  These aren't overly harmful lies or anything - but we're not being honest.  And if we're not honest with people, then when they express like or love for us we don't give it credit because we know we haven't been honest and it makes their feelings about us null and void.  I nearly crashed my car on that one.  I've been trying to figure out why I can't just accept it when someone is like - "hey, you're cool!"  Even if I don't say it, I'm definitely thinking "yeah, right" and blowing the comment off.  I WANT to believe it, but I can't.  Its like I think I'm some Academy Award winning actress and I'm fooling everyone by pretending I care about whatever is cool, or something, and that nobody really knows me. (I can hear my husband rolling his eyes.  "Yeah babe, that's totally it.")

I want so much to be honest instead.  I'm tired of trying to be cool or hip.  Even if the "hot" thing is being a foodie, or being really into political debates, or whatever  - working to sound witty and knowledgeable about that stuff just isn't genuine for me. So here it is:   I've read every Twilight book.  I watch American Idol.  I don't like rap - unless I'm working out.  I really don't like skinny jeans. I often listen to instrumental movie soundtracks when I work.  And though I want to be super into music and live shows (this is Austin, after all) most nights I really would rather read a book in my bathtub, or have a glass of wine and a great conversation with a friend. And I really don't get watching sports - including football (a dangerous statement to make when you live in Texas).  You know those medieval movies where the guy is chained in the courtyard with his arms spread out wide and the villagers are all throwing rotting food at him?  Being honest sometimes feels like that, I think.   

I was in DSW the other day and I found myself browsing through all these cool shoes.  I desperately wanted to feel comfortable in so many that I saw.  There were some funky sandals, some fancy, pretty heels, some tough belted black shoes, some bright colored sneakers.  I tried a bunch of different ones on.  I was secretly hoping that I would be like Cinderella and when the perfect pair of shoes were slipped on my feet I'd transform and suddenly my true personality would be clear. But you know what?  I walked out with white running shoes, plain neutral colored flipflops, and brown slip on sandals.  And I love them all - they are ME.  

So I'm not a pair of cool, gorgeous pumps or hip sandals.  I'm a simple, sensible shoe.  And I can honestly say that these days, I'm cool with that. ;-)