I surprised myself with kind of basic revelations today. I know I have felt a little distant and removed from people lately, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Things have been great with my marriage (since the May ups and downs) and with my friends and family –yet I’ve just felt this lonely distance without knowing why. I’m still not totally sure what’s up, but I had some thoughts around it today.
This year for me has already been a lot about change. Change in my diet, exercise, my job, my habits, my mental state, my goals and motivations. Pretty big stuff. It’s an ongoing process of course, but here’s the thing. Change is kind of freaky. While I love it, I think subconsciously I’m also wondering how it’s going to affect my relationships. If people will be cool with me as I change and evolve, and likewise, if I’ll be ok with relationships I’ve had for a long time. I realize this is kind of obvious, as change is the only constant. But as I thought about it, I realized that I was nervous about where all this change (as good as I’ve felt about it) will land me. Part of the challenge is that I think I revert to the very habits and behavior I’m trying to get away from, in an effort to find that “comfort zone”. To be the person I think people expect, rather than surprise people (and myself) by demonstrating new behaviors that better reflect the space I’m in now.
Then it occurred to me “HEY – everyone else is changing all the time TOO!” (Yes, duh.) And in fact, that part of what makes relationships ebb and flow is that very fact. Some people you’ll get closer to as you both change and find new ways to connect. Others you’ll drift from. And still others you’ll choose to work to remain close to no matter what.
So I think, and I’m no therapist, but I think that I’m at a place right now where I really need to spend some time on those relationships that are so important to me and that I’m feeling a little removed from. Whether it’s just grabbing coffee and catching up, or going for a swim – there are people that I’m simply not willing to drift away from (or have them drift away from me!). I’m busy and already feel like there’s never enough time, but this is big. This is necessary.
Time to show off some new sides of myself, and check out some new sides of people I love. So brace yourselves. I’m heading your way!