So here's the secret about me - I'm terrified of everything. Like, I can pretty much guarantee that I was intimidated as hell the first time I met you. For real. Not because of anything you did, but just because I thought you were awesome and I wasn't. I can promise you that the first day I walked into Crossfit (and for 2 months thereafter at least) I was terrified of the people who were WAY more fit than me, of the moves (what the heck is a 'hang clean'?), and that I wouldn't be able to do it or keep the commitment I made to myself to get into a steady workout routine. Heck, I'm scared right now that when my mom reads this she'll be upset if I curse in public (sorry mom - hi!). And I'm scared doing my writing and putting it out there, because people might hate it or think I'm a big loser. But here's the thing - as I get older (and wiser?) I'm figuring out that EVERYONE is scared! Wow, is that ever comforting.
This past weekend I was scheduled for a camping trip with a group of awesome women I didn't know very well. All are ladies I've met through the Crossfit Central affiliate where I work out, which means they're strong (physically and mentally), do lots of cool other things in their lives, and a few of them knew each other pretty well. I was really excited, but here's the thing: Friday night I honestly thought about maybe not going because I was so intimidated by the group and worried about what they might think of me. Surely I didn't fit in with THEM.
REALLY??!!! Really? What is that about? I mean, here's this great awesome thing I'm about to do, and my reaction is to consider walking (nay, running) the other way? Clearly, I'm certifiable.
So back to my weekend, which was amazing. At one point the group was sitting around and the subject of fear came up. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change....the list goes on. And as I got to know people better, I had several conversations with women who were nervous about coming too, or about sharing something personal, or whatever. So we were all feeling totally the same, thinking everyone else felt confident and secure. But we are all real people, who get scared and nervous and intimidated! Heck, some might even worry about what I think! (Ridiculous!). It sounds stupid, but I was amazed watching ladies who I thought were perfect Crossfitters and who had perfect Paleo diets eat smores - SMORES, people! Did I think they never, ever cheated like I did? (Yes, I did think that.) By the end of the weekend I was totally, totally comfortable with everyone and couldn't believe I had been so intimidated. Its kind of exhausting to think of the amount of energy I have wasted in this life worrying about what other people think of me. But I'm learning.
My point? I thought about my good friend who once told me in relation to his career: "If I'm not scared sh*tless everyday I go in, I know I've stopped growing and that its time to change something up." Wow. How awesome is that? Scary is not only OK, its good, it's something to seek out. So even though the scary is tiring and hard and takes extra effort, I'm choosing it because I want to keep growing. So thanks people, for helping me along. ;-)