I’m in a funk. Again. I’m sure if I review my blog posts or journal or whatever, there must be some kind of cycle to this. All I know is I’ve been totally on edge all week, and all I want to do is crawl into a cave and hide out for awhile. Nothing happened, really. Nothing to warrant such a dramatic reaction on my part. Yet here I am. And as usual when I’m in this space I have no idea how to get out of it, and end up pulling deeper away into myself.
What do I think I need? Simultaneously I need a hike in the mountains, some flowers, and a hug. But I live in central Texas (no mountains) and I’ve sufficiently pissed off everyone around me this week so I’m pretty sure a hug and/or flowers are a no go. Well, my kid did give me some pretty awesome hugs and kisses this morning. He’s not pissed at me, no matter how wacko I get. Thank goodness. Of course, he is only 5.
So what now? Tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn I’m taking a solo trip to New Jersey to visit mom and my sister. I’m excited to see them, for sure. There’s some drama going on up there, though, so we’ll see how relaxing it will be. Maybe its time for me to take another day off work soon and head somewhere remote. I would kill to be around VA right now – so many trails and mountains, its easy to spend an entire day without seeing another person, hiking around in the forest. And when I’m in this mode, that sounds perfect. Kind of at odds with my desire for a hug from someone, but….I think the isolation thing is my default self-caring mode. Perhaps not the best one, but it’s definitely the one that has been my steady habit. I get being alone. I’m good at it. Where I suck is letting people in when I’m like this.
How do you break a lifelong habit? Something that’s been key to self-preservation and self-care? I have no idea. But here’s hoping that I can figure it out at some point in the next decade or so. So much for a short learning curve. Wish me luck! And go hug someone.