My son is ridiculously happy most of the time. Granted, he’s 5. But wow – it’s just so wonderful and inspiring. It makes me never want him to grow up and start thinking too much. Just keep wearing that smile and giggling and relishing the joy of being alive.
I’m not unhappy. Actually, a lot of the time I’m pretty happy. I had a day recently though where I did some stupid stuff. The problem I have is that in that case, when someone points out the stupid things I did – when I should perhaps just say “hmmm, that was not the best move, I’ll do it differently next time” I don’t. I start feeling like it’s a commentary on me as a person. I didn’t do something stupid – I AM stupid. I want to be able to take criticism but my brain seems to have a short circuit when it comes to that stuff. It’s not a task I failed at – I AM a failure. It’s not that I did something embarrassing – I AM an embarrassment. Even if the input is coming from someone I know loves me – my husband, my mom, my best friend….my brain still flips the input. And I become 2 inches tall in my head. Or just want to crawl into a hole.
I so desperately want to protect my kiddo from this. I want him to wear that smile and that trust and confidence in who he is forever. He’ll run into things that are bad and wrong and all that, of course. And I want to give him the tools to navigate those waters. But I really want him to feel a security I don’t.
For now I’m just watching his face, his smile, and when I’m feeling less than great as a person, I’m going to trust him. I’m going to believe completely every time he runs to me and throws his arms around my neck to hug me and give me kisses, that I’m loved with all my cracks and broken edges. Because even when I feel like I’m not worth it – he does, with all the energy in his little self. And that is awesome.