Friday, May 14, 2010

I'm Miserable, Thanks for Asking

I blogged before about how things that are scary and hard are good, that they are things to be sought after. Except this week, I've been in the midst of some seriously HARD crapola, and it did not feel good or like something I wanted to seek or deal with or anything. Frankly, it sucked.

Its not over yet, but here's something good that has come out of it so far.(And trust me, I'm still amazed that I managed to get to a place where I could see any good in anything this week.) I don't like to open up much. I like to give the impression of being calm and easygoing - I want to be someone that people admire and see as a generally happy person, not a miserable mess of a person. I don't like to bring my problems to people. But this week, I caved. I leaned, hard, on friends this week. I called people up and said I need to talk, badly. I asked for advice. I cried. While I didn't go into detail with people I'm not close to, I didn't fake it when they asked how I was. "I'm not great. Having a hard week."

It's tough to do that. But boy, fear quickly gave way to massive amounts of gratitude. Arms opened to me, literally and figuratively. I've felt supported and loved, and I've had some people call me out on things where I needed some perspective. I've cried. A lot.

I guess what I'm learning here is that opening yourself up is really tough and scary. Its hard to make yourself that vulnerable, not knowing how people will react. Back to the image of standing in the center of a medieval courtyard waiting for people to pelt you with rotting food.(Is it sad that I keep using that example to describe my life?) BUT, its also proved to be incredibly worthwhile, inspiring and helpful. And this week in particular, its just been really, really nice to feel loved.

Oh, and my mom started to read my blog. Hopefully she'll keep me even though she can now see what a freak unique person I am. (Edit made at mom's request.) Hi mom!


  1. Here is a *virtual hug*. I know it's hard but think positively.

  2. Ouch, Beth. Those moments, days, and weeks are hard. :( Hope you're feeling better soon. I don't know if hormones have anything to do with how you've been feeling, but they affect me immensely and intensely. Once I get through the hazy craziness, I always feel happier and clearer than before, and I actually feel gratitude that the hormones helped bring some issues to the surface. Lots of love and strength to you, woman. xo